It's been a while... I'm guilty.  But I've been BUSY.  We are finally moved into our place.  There's still a lot to be done, but it's coming together and I'm loving it.  I love love LOVE having a house and someone to come home to.  It's aaaaamazing. 

I'm not going to lie and say it has all been perfect.  There are challenges.  For instance, the financial burden of living on my own is actually really frightening to me.  I'm just glad that I'm not alone in this whole thing because I'm not sure I'd be able to be sane. 

It's also sooo very crazy that I could have this baby in a matter of four weeks.  Ahhh.. that's scary.  I kind of don't want to think about it.  I mean... the actual process anyways.  I went to the doctor Tuesday and my blood pressure was up.  They're making me take these weird tests where I have to collect my own urine for twenty four hours and then go in and drink a glucose drink as they take my blood every hour for three hours.  This I am not excited about.  I'm also not really understanding the reason for these tests.  I mean, she said my blood pressure wasn't insanely high, but she wanted to have something to compare to if my blood pressure continues to spike.  It's just somewhat scary, but hopefully it's nothing. 

Alright, I'm exhausted.  Goodnight!

Um, so MOVING DAY TODAY!  That's all. 

Ahhhh... everything just feels like it's falling into place.  This is nowhere near where I imagined my life to be, but it's so working out. 

I went to DMACC today to schedule fall classes thinking that it would be really difficult to get into all online classes.  Well, it wasn't.  My classes are all online which is the biggest relief.  See, I wasn't planning on taking fall classes at all.  I was going to TRY to find a different job since my current job is only a seasonal position, but I wasn't going to try until after I had the baby -- which was already a completely nerve-racking idea in itself.  But I got my financial aid back and my school is being completely paid for, so I thought that not taking any classes would just be senseless if it was being paid for.  So... yeah, I decided to take classes, but I was still nervous about being able to juggle having a baby so early in the school year.  So anyways, I'm just happy that I don't have a set schedule of classes and I can try to work ahead before she's here. 

That sounds so minor now that I re-read all of that.  But it really does just make me happy. 

Not only that, but I'm so ready to move in with Pat and to have a place of our own.  It's just exciting.  Yesterday we went to Des Moines for his birthday and I surprised him with an appointment to a place called Prenatal Vision.  They do 3-D/4-D ultrasounds that are projected on an entire wall and then they make it into a movie.  It's actually really awesome.  They confirmed that it's a girl so that's a good sign.  But anyways, it was so cool to see.  They said she's about 4 pounds, 2 oz. and that she's probably pretty long. 

I don't know, I'm just really happy. 

Good lord this baby doesn't stop moving!  I suppose I shouldn't complain because at least she's moving.  I should praise every jab and kick.  It's just weird.  Someone is taking over my body and it's just crrrrazy.  I am starting to be able to feel an actual baby inside there.. I'm not exactly sure what it is that I'm feeling, but I can feel body parts - that's for sure.  It's sooo weird.  But I like it.  It makes it so real.

Um, so yeah... I came home from Pat's tonight to my parents screaming at each other about me moving out.  It was awkward.  And I'm not sure I liked it.  I get that Donny isn't exactly thrilled about this decision, but I think I'm old enough to make decisions and deal with the consequences.  You have to let your kids make their own decisions, even if you think it's a mistake.  I guess I just wish he could just deal with it and realize that this is just something that is inevitable.  I know it's nothing personal, it's just something he can't get over.  I know he doesn't hate Pat or think he's the wrong person for me.  I just think he hates seeing me grow up.  It's crazy because I would have never EVER expected this from him.  I mean, I knew he wouldn't be happy.  But it's just so weird to actually realize that Donny actually gives a shit.  I have come to understand that he is horrible at showing emotion and telling people how he feels - he shows it in other ways... like this, for example.  I don't agree with it, but I guess I kind of understand.  Just wish it would be less severe because walking in on screaming parents isn't something I need to do.  That's one thing I refuse to do in front of my children.. I've gotten used to it, but damn it.. it pisses me off.

So anyways, tonight was fun.  I went out with Pat's family and him for his birthday dinner.  I can't get over how much I loooove his family.  They are awesome.  But yeah, then we went back to his house and just talked for awhile.  We made a huge list of things we would need for the house and then I decided it would be a good idea to tell each other our pet peeves of living with someone so that we could have it all out there.  It was actually really funny.  I realized that I'm an incredibly anal person.  Hopefully he can stand that, although he doesn't have much of a choice.    Hah.  But yeah, so here's the two major things I came up with:  1.  I hate it when people brush their teeth in the sink and don't rinse the sink afterwards.. they just leave a bunch of toothpaste in there.  It's annoying.  2.  I also hate it when there's hair all over the place and in the soap.  It just really grosses me out for some reason. 

Ha... yeah, I don't know.  This is pointless, I just thought it was funny.

Holy shit.  So I guess the hoping and praying worked out for me.  We got the duplex!  Yayyyy.  It feels so good to know that we have a home.

Although, I have to say, some people really know how to put a damper on the mood.  I'm really trying not to let it affect me, but when it's my own mother it's a little difficult.  She knows exactly how to get into my head and does such a good job.  She's just a person I turn to for everything.  I look for her acceptance and approval.  So when she's not exactly feeling my decision, it's kind of hard to take.

BUT... I have to just keep my mind on other things.  I know this isn't going to be a piece of cake, but I also know that it's not going to be the horrible hard life my mom is trying to prepare me for.

Random thought... do pregnant women have bad circulation or something?  My fingers keep going numb.  It's weirding me out.

Oh.. another random thing.  So today I was working and a girl I graduated with came through and actually talked to me about being pregnant.  This is like the second person that actually talked to me about pregnant versus acting like I didn't have the huge bump under my shirt.  I love it when people do that.  It just makes things so much less awkward. 

Alright, that's all I have.

I wish I knew what the hell was wrong with me.  That would be splendid.  I went to the e-room yesterday and they said everything was fine.. the baby was fine.. which is great.  They gave me a prescription for fiber-con and said that it should help.  And today I feel a gazillion times worse.  I just don't know what the hell is going on.  I know the babe is okay cuz she's moving regularly and everything - nothing abnormal has happened besides all this pain I'm feeling.  It's just frustrating is all.

On a happier note, I THINK.. MAYBE.. we might have found a place to live!  Yay.  I am trying not to get my hopes up, but from the way it sounds, things are looking good.  We are supposed to meet with him sometime this week just to kind of get to know each other, I guess?  I don't know.  But he said he'd e-mail us the lease so we could get familiar with it, so I think that's a good sign. 

I'm just SO insanely ready to be in our own place and set up the baby's room and have everything ready.  I know that it's probably going to be a challenge living together, I'm so up for it.  I know that we will have our differences and our annoyances and all of that, but there's a huge part of me that knows it's a good thing and knows it will be best for us.  I love the idea of coming home to him and being around him all of the time.  I know he pushes my buttons, but I love him.  I really, really do.

Speaking of love... I also LOVE his parents.  What the hell.  So, today, Kim told me she wanted me to make a list of the things we still needed for our house because she wanted to buy us some stuff and so did her parents.  I'm like, um.. WHAT?  I just really can't believe it.  I mean, it's so not necessary, but so appreciated too.  We really don't even need that much for the place, but I guess I'm just shocked.  I wouldn't ever expect that, but that's just the kind of people they are.  I love people like that.

Should probably rest up.  Hopefully I make it through a shift tomorrow without feeling like I might drop to the floor with stomach convulsions.

I've been chasing footsteps for years

And running around in circles for years

Chasing my tail

Looking for answers to questions I've never heard

It's a wide open world

I'm trying to find it

It's a wide open sky

But it's light and blinding

And it's raining down on me

It's slowing me down

But I keep on going

I know I recognize this man walking in front of me

When he turned around and locked eyes with me

And it scared me to see myself in twenty years

Lost, ashamed, locked up, loaded down..

I didn't know it - that I could change my ways

And I took a different road

No more running around in circles

No more chasing my tail

I'm just going forward these days

With my eyes closed

I know I can make it

Fuck it

I know I can make it if I try

I must let love live inside me for awhile

Another thing... I'm so ready not to have these random ass emotions. 

It really actually worries me sometimes.  I get so irritated with Pat some days, and I know it's not fair to him.  I know that he doesn't deserve it because he's pretty much the BEST ever.. he's the person I love.. but he gets the most of my bitchiness.  But he truly does irritate me -- I don't know if it's just because I'm around him so much and my hormones are going crazy, or what!  I just get really worried that my irritation is going to continue and I'm going to continue to be this huge bitch to someone who is so good to me and loves me so much and that I love too.  Does that fear make any sense at all?

I just really REALLY hate feeling this way.  Yesterday I was so happy.  WE were so happy.  I stayed at his house cuz his parents were gone and it was amazing.  Just like in the beginning.  And then today.. I just wasn't happy.  And it wasn't necessarily that I wasn't happy with him.  I just wasn't happy.  I'm sick of being on this rollercoaster ride of emotions.  I just want to be happy.

I want to be content.  I DO NOT want to be crabby.  I hate being crabby.  I'm not a crabby person.  I'm a way-chilled out person.. I became that person and I liked that about me.  But now I kind of feel like I'm losing that.  And I hope it's all due to hormones.. but there's no way of knowing that so it's sort of scary.

On another note, I would REALLY like to find somewhere to live.  We looked at a duplex that I actually really like.  It's small, but cute.  And then today we looked at apartments.  But I just don't know what's going to happen.  All I know is that I want more nights like last night.  I want to come home to him and go to sleep with him and wake up to him every morning.  I'm just READY for that.  Man!

Ohhhhhh and I almost forgot.  I was laying there last night with my hand on my stomach and all of a sudden I felt something really hard in my tummy.  It felt like a foot or a hand graze my hand... it was the weirdest thing EVER.  But it was so cool.  There's actually a baby in there.  Weird, huh?  It really actually was.  But I loved it.  I want her to do it again!

Alright well, it's bedtime.  Goodnight.

The things I'm looking forward to after being pregnant (minus of course the baby being here):

1.  Wearing normal, cute clothes.

2.  Feeling cute in normal, cute clothes.

3.  Taking pictures.  I love taking pictures.  But right now I'm one of the pregnant girls that don't enjoy having their picture taken... AT ALL. 

4.  Not feeling like a whale. 

5.  Drinking a beer if I feel like it.

6.  Not being in people's way.

7.  Being heartburn free.

8.  People not staring at my stomach.

9.  Being able to get up off of the chair/couch I am sitting on with ease.

The things I might miss:

1.  All the kicks and movements. 

2.  Not having an excuse to eat whatever I want to.

... and I'm sure there are others.